Pam Curtis (pamc) wrote,
Pam Curtis
pamc

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Re-Formed...

I don't know about you, but when I think about words, usually a specific connotation comes to mind immediately. I get a picture in my head, and sometimes even a little scene. So when I think of the word, "reformed", things like AA meetings and folks shedding orange jumpsuits comes to mind. I forget the pieces of the word: re-form, to make again.

That's what I'm doing with me. My health is never going to be great, no shocker there. But i'm a creative, innovative and tenacious person. If anyone can figure out how to operate a body like this, it's me. No, I'm never going to be a rock star, but I don't want to. (Strangely enough it was because I dreamt I was famous and realized that simply getting my oil changed would be a nightmare because the fame would get in the way. I'd never have a 'normal' interaction with anyone again.) I'll leave the stardom to folks like donnaricci. ;)

So much of what I use to love in the way of activities is gone to me now. There's nothing to be done but make peace with it, and I'm getting there. I'm a passionate person, so I can get frustrated, but I'm learning to cool down. I have to... it's immediate impact can be felt on my health, and it saves me from days of consequences (since stress is manifold). I need to re-form myself. I have *tons* of likes. It's getting down to the likes I can do and investing my me-time in that. And that doesn't mean completely stamping out my extrovert side either... do you know how fanatical model train fans can get?! I just need to find a fandom that I want.

That's been the real rub for a while. I haven't known what I wanted. Well, I haven't known what I've wanted in this reformed body. No dance clubs, no movie halls, no conventions, no loud... unless I know it's worth it: the 50th Anniversary of the Croquette Game in Pier Cove was definitely one. That cuts out most of the relatively inexpensive forms of social entertainment. It also cuts out large-person events, which I've always loved. I am a metropolitan girl. Living on Long Island as a kid pretty much ingrained the big city into me. I love its exhibitionistic anonymity. Again, though, that's the old me.

This new me prefers neighborhoods. I like the more sensibly-paced lifestyle. Small town is nice. Military tech industry towns are great (worldly attitudes, generally highly educated, well-mannered). I've a scientific mind. I like logic and proof rather than emotional arguments. I love economics, physics, chemistry, medicine... I'd love to back to school someday, get my PhD in English. I'd want to do it on Semiotics... (thank you, SLU).

I like the BIG, tough problems. I can move a mountain one teaspoon at a time if I'm adequately interested in the subject. That's included in the *new* me. I wrote my paper on migraines when I was in the throws of the worst of them. I didn't understand the science, but I taught myself (Wikipedia is a beautiful thing). I used 3x5 cards and wrote down all the terms I didn't understand & their explanations. I sat up at I-HOP with a 4" stack of scientific articles and just organized the papers until *I* understood it, and then I wrote the paper to explain what I'd just learned to someone else. I took it in to my neurologist to make sure I got it right, and she said I nailed it. I'm still a professional writer.

That's something I really forgot when I got sick: I'm a professional. I made mid-level professional by 28! That saved my ass when it came to Social Security Disability. I was VERY lucky my parents taught me to work hard. It was also a stroke of luck that I happened to love computers (thanks Dad!) and language (thanks Mom!) right on the starting edge of the tech boom. I was a technical writer before there were certificates or classes offered for it. COMPLETE luck.

Now I've got the wisdom to go with that mid-level pro status. And if I'm cautious, I could ride that to some huge personal success. It's just a matter of adjusting my vision, and I've been doing that. The things in the moment like to wave flags & jump up and down as if they're important, but there's another moment behind this one (good Lord willin' and the crick don't rise). I have to weigh my immediate concerns with my long-term goals and flat-out ignore a lot of what my mind/body scream for.

Hey.... I think that's called "growing up." :D
Tags: reformed
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